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1月19日 The Baby Photographer
The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to......" "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too....you can really spread out!" "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me!" "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, my, that's a lot of .of.....!!" gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure." "Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith muttered. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus."
"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith faintly. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park and get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. "Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling; I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in". Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your...um...equipment?" "That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work" "Tripod???!!" "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for very long.......Madam? Madam?...Good Lord, she's fainted....!"  1月10日 Man, what a hectic festive period! I didn't work Xmas day but I did work the rest of the time. God, I hate the season of goodwill. Bah humbug!
[I hope everyone got nice prezzies from the old bearded bloke who hangs around children].
My modem went 'kaput' too so I've been away a bit longer than I would have liked. Still, I'm back and loaded with ideas. No time to realise them. But full of ideas.
I'll be resuming my Derek v Doc Droo comic, of course. I plan in introducing something else called 'Boz the Bouncer'. If it takes off, I may make it a regular feature, like the comic. And as a taster, take a look at his House magazine...
cya soon folks
 12月21日 SORRY I HAVEN'T BEEN ABOUT MUCH PEEPS. XMAS IS A VERY BUSY TIME FOR ME - WORKWISE - AND NO, I'M NOT ONE OF SANTA'S LITTLE HELPERS!
WHEN THE SEASON'S OVER I'LL BE ABLE TO VISIT YOU WITH MY USUAL LAME COMMENTS.
IN THE MEANTIME...
 HAVE A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY AND PROSPEROUS NEW YEAR!
12月10日 I'm sorry folks. For some reason I've been having probs with re-sizing my images for Episode 6. I've tried image size, resolution, pixelation ratios, the lot. But the time comes when you have to decide to either just run with what you've got or give up. I'm not a quitter. So you have to put up with a sub-standard issue.
Not that the standard was all that high to start with!
lol
 Anyway. Episode 6 is here below... Derek v Doc Droo - Episode 6Derek seeks help from one whose powers are legend. Some call her 'Seer', some call her 'Oracle', others -[me] - call her Mystic Meg-a-loo...
Meanwhile back at Castle Droo the Dark Drones are still putting ANUS through its paces...
Oh dear. The Dark Drones seem to have caused a nuclear holocaust. Oh well, these things happen [in this space only kiddies]. What will Doc make of it all? Will Derek be left impotent before the almighty power of lordbigpant's mighty erection. Who knows? Who cares? Until next time....
LESSON ON PERSPECTIVE
Just because you are Donald Trump, Tony Blair, the teacher I was always scared of, my boss or the big guy I need to humour in case he beats me up. It doesn't make you a somebody. In the scheme of things you are nothing. Donald who - a rich guy? A politician? A jumped up little Hitler? An old twat who liked to lord it over kids? Some bully with nothing in his life?
The real movers and shakers are the ones we talk about now with unconscious admiration. We know their names and maybe a little of what they were all about. Films are made about them. Books are written and arguments follow about their motivations and influences. Their names will live long after these so-called people of importance have passed on. Alexander the Great, Julius Caeser, Cleopatra, William Shakespeare, Isaac Newton, Charles Darwin, to name but a few. They made real history. People have talked about them for hundreds and thousands of years and will continue to talk about them a thousand years from now. All those rich and influencial people of our time are ephemeral. Dust in the wind.
History decides the giants. Not the guy who affects your next promotion.
OPINIONS
Having an opinion doesn't make you smart.
It doesn't necessarily make you an expert on something.
It doesn't make you right.
Even if cameras are pointing at you and people are writing down what you say.
Having an opinion and voicing it in loud and certain tones, still makes it an opinion particular to one person.
And it can still be wrong, biased and just plain ignorant.
Opinions are for people who don't really know what they are talking about.
WE'RE FAMILY BUT WE DON'T TALK ABOUT IT
1%. Not a lot is it? If I had a £1, it'd be one penny. You can't buy much for a penny these days. 1% is the DNA difference that separates us from the apes. Our closest relatives [in species terms].
Good for experimenting on. Good to train to do 'cute' tricks. Good for hunting because there's a market in Asia for their testicles. But not the kind of relative you'd have round at your house. Too embarrassing. The neighbours might talk.
FACTS AND FIGURES
The loss of one human life is tragic. The loss of millions is a statistic.
Josef Stalin
Sorry guys. It's been that kind of week.
12月2日 FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT HAVEN'T HEARD ANY MUSIC...WHICH EXCLUDES DR DROO...I AM PLAYING 'DONALD WHERE'S YOUR TROOSERS' BY ANDY STEWART. I THOUGHT IT FUNNY AND SORT OF APPROPRIATE FOR ST. ANDREWS DAY.
HOWEVER, THE LIMITED RECEPTION OF THE MUSIC MAY BE DOWN TO A DOWNLOAD LIMIT IMPOSED BY THE HOST I'M USING FOR IT - RIPWAY. WHICH IS A SHAME, BECAUSE I LAUGH WHENEVER I HEAR THE SONG AND IT'S REALLY NOT THAT FUNNY. BUT STILL I LAUGH. I'M STRANGE, I KNOW.
IF ANYONE CAN RECOMMEND ANOTHER HOSTING SERVICE THAT IS MORE GENEROUS THAN THE 15 Mb A DAY THAT RIPWAY ALLOWS THEN PLEASE LET ME KNOW. I'D BE EVER SO GRATEFUL   St. Andrew's Day
Saint Andrew is the Patron Saint of Scotland, and St. Andrew's Day is celebrated by Scots around the world on the 30th November. The Flag of Scotland [or Saltire] is the Cross of St. Andrew, and this is widely displayed as a symbol of national identity.
Very little is really known about St. Andrew himself. He was thought to have been a fisherman in Galilee (now part of Israel), along with his elder brother Simon Peter (Saint Peter). Both became followers (apostles) of Jesus Christ, founder of the Christian religion. Tradition suggests that St. Andrew was put to death by the Romans in Patras, Southern Greece by being pinned to a cross (crucified). The diagonal shape of this cross is said to be the basis for the Cross of St. Andrew which appears on the Scottish Flag. St. Andrews bones were entombed, and around 300 years later were moved by Emperor Constantine to his new capital Constantinople (now Istambul in Turkey). Legend suggests that a Greek Monk called St. Rule (or St. Regulus) was warned in a dream that St. Andrews remains were to be moved and was directed by an angel to take those of the remains which he could to the "ends of the earth" for safe-keeping. St. Rule dutifully followed these directions and transported them as far away as he could. Scotland was close to the extremities of the known world at that time. St. Rule is said to have come ashore at a Pictish settlement on the East Coast of Scotland and this later became St. Andrews. Thus the association of St. Andrew with Scotland was said to have begun.
Now put on your kilt, adjust your sporran, break out your shortbread and have a dram.
Happy St. Andrew's Day!
[Pity it's not a public holiday].
11月29日 I can see why people get tired of posting on their Spaces. I've just spent 2 1/2 hours trying to publish the last blog. And that's not counting the hours spent actually composing the pics in the first place...and there's still room for improvement!
Never mind. I hope you like the effort anyway.
 Derek v Doc Droo - Episode 5The Doc is still trying his mind tricks on Derek...
   Meanwhile, back at Castle Droo the Dark Drones are up to no good...
  ...<ahem> enough of this lecturing. Back to the story...
    You just know it's all going to end in tears. Who is Derek's ally? Will MummyLesley push the buttons? Can Hollywood take another arsehole actor? Until next time...
I was going to post Episode 5 of Derek v Doc Droo today, but so far I seem to be having problems with my hosting service. Even the pics from my previous blogs are not on view. If 'normal service' resumes I'll post it then. I SEEM TO BE A BIT OFF-KEY TONIGHT. I'M TRYING TO BE AN AMUSING HOST, BUT I FEEL AS IF I'M INSULTING MY GUESTS. BIT LIKE SOMEONE WHO FARTS IN A LIFT AND THEN HAS THE CHEEK TO PUT UP HIS HAND AND SAY, 'THAT WAS ME! REAL STINKER INNIT?'
IF ANYONE HAS AN ISSUE WITH MY BLOGS, FEEL FREE TO VISIT MY COMPLAINTS DEPT. BUT THERE SHOULDN'T BE A NEED TO VISIT THERE BECAUSE I GENUINELY ALWAYS TRY TO BE CHARMING [IN A CACK-HANDED WAY, MAYBE]. 11月28日 1.What Name Do You Go By Online? Derek'sWTF 2.What Kind Of Pants Are You Wearing Right Now? I like to go 'commando' - hoooyah!! 3.What Are You Listening To Right Now? My arteries harden. What can I say, I don't get out much. 4.What Are The Last 4 Digits Of Your Phone Number? 5.What Was The Last Thing You Ate? Chocolate Hobnob *burp* 6.If You Were A Crayon,What Color Would You Be? Blacker than Satan's soul...with a hint of mint. 7.How Is The Weather Right Now? Cold and dry. 8.Who Was The Last Person You Talked To On The Phone? 'John' from the Samaritans. He says I should get out more. Will you be my friend? 9.What Is The First Thing You Notice About The Opposite Sex? How they always expect me to pay. You'd think sometimes I'd get a discount or some sort of gratuity as a regular customer at the massage parlour. But oh no! It's no wonder I need relief from executive stress. 10.Do You Like The Person Who Tagged You With This? He is my nemesis. At least, in my warped comic imagination. 11.How Are You Today? I feel like shite. Thanks for reminding me. 12.What Is Your Favorite Drink? Are you paying? 13.Favorite Alcoholic Drink? Don't change the subject, are you paying? If so, I'll have a double thanks. Now, will you be my friend or do I have to drug you? 14.Favorite Sports? Judo 15.Hair Color? Dark brown. At least that's what it said on the bottle. 16.Eye Color? Blue. 17.Do You Wear Contacts? No. 18.How Many Siblings Do You Have? Two younger sisters. 19.Favorite Month? August. The month of my birth. 20.Favorite Food? Curry. Set your tonsils on 'stun' strength. 21.Last Movie You Watched? Star Wars: Episode 3 22.Favorite Day Of The Year? Any day I'm not working. 23.Are You Too Shy To Ask Someone Out? Yes *blush* 24.Scary Movie Or Happy Endings Better? As long as there's an alien, big guns and explosions and some gratuitous sex...I don't mind which. 25.Summer Or Winter? I'm from Glasgow. What's summer? 26.Hugs Or Kisses? Both. As long as its a prelude to... 27.Relationships Or One Night Stands? You offering? Can I see your picture first? 28.Chocolate Or Vanilla? I don't mind...as long as it's chocolate lager or vanilla lager. 29.Do You Want Your Taggies To Write Back? Taggies! Curse them, curse then all!! [You listening Droo?] 30.Who Is The Most Likely To Respond? Eh? To what? 31.Living Arrangements? Detached bungalow. 32.What Book Are You Reading Right Now? 'How to win friends and influence people' fucker. 33.What's On Your Mouse Pad? My right hand. Don't ask what the left one is doing! 34.Favorite Board Game? Trivial Pursuit. It's a metaphor for my life.
What name do you use when in a bar picking up strangers? Kurt. It's a cool name for a shady guy. What kind of contraceptives do you use? Halitosis. What kind of porn do you like? I'm a good boy. Please don't spank me. What’s your bank account number? Swiss Account 784356012264000PL Which branch do you use? Geneva. Where all the Swiss accounts are held. What was the last thing you smoked? Filthy habit. What drug would you be? Laxative. How was your last high? High? Don't talk to me about highs. What’s your dealers first name? Matches or Lighter? I drink. Is there a drinking movie? I wouldn't go see it unless there was an alien, big guns and explosions and gratuitous sex...with a happy or scary ending. Pubic hair color? Any Piercings Any Tattoos No. Give or Receive? Whateva! I don't talk about those marks. Favorite Smoking Game?
You can all thank Dr Druid for that tag. *phew!* Thank goodness that's done. I'm not long back from the gym. Yes folks, I have been known to perform physical jerks [no sniggering at the back there]. I have been a regular exerciser since my teens and, while no longer the toned young thing that I once was, I still at least make a good effort when I go to 'work out'. More importantly, at least from the point of view of this blog, I know when someone else is serious about their own training.
So you can imagine my bemusement when I see a young man in his 20s wasting time, space and money by doing as good as nothing in the gym. His time was roughly apportioned as follows...
1. 30% watching others working out or chatting;
2. 30% picking detritus from his ears, from nose, from under his nails, scratching his arse and other indolent activities;
3. 30% looking at himself in the mirror;
4. 10% using the equipment - without effort and in an incorrect way.
I mean WTF!!
OK you may say, he's paid his membership and if he wants to pose that's his prerogative.
Not as far as I'm concerned. If something is worth doing it's worth doing well. Particularly if you've paid your hard-earned to access the service. His presence only serves to mock those of us that take their fitness with a measure of seriousness and application.
Or is it just me?
11月25日 You know when you have Avian Flu when...
You have streaming eyes
Your nose is blocked
You have an irritated throat
You have a thumping headache
You have an uncontrollable desire to do a jobby on a car windscreen
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